


It's You [It's All For You]

by onefootonego (startingXI)



Series: No Remedy [For Memory] [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Canon Typical Violence, Do anything for family, Gen, ambiguous post season one but pre season two setting, includes brief mentions of superman and j'onn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-28
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-09-02 21:12:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8683573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/startingXI/pseuds/onefootonego
Summary: what do you think about when death is strapped to your chest? one - getting away. as fast, as far as you possibly can.two - Alex. [or for kara, when it comes to Alex, there was never a choice]





	

what do you think about when death is strapped to your chest? 

one - getting away. as fast, as far as you possibly can. 

two - Alex. 

you call her. you're somewhere over the pacific ocean, hawaii is rushing towards you, you have maybe a minute left, and all you can do is call Alex. 

“ _kara_ ” she sounds busy, but always happy to hear your voice, you detect a slight increase in her heart rate, the sound of a body crashing into a mat “ _everything okay?_ ” you wonder if she knows there's a sniper scope leveled at her head. 

‘there's a bomb strapped to my chest and i don't think i can get out of this one’ just doesn't seem right. 

‘i’m just calling to say goodbye’ is too crass, Alex deserves better, deserves more from you. 

but there are tears in your eyes, you feel the bomb tight against your chest and god, how do you say good-bye to the 

the what, the most important person in your world? your best friend? the person you would do anything for? 

on that list, the extensive list of things you would do for Alex, it has always included dying. it was something inherent, never something you decided. it just is. and apparently the day has come. in order to keep Alex safe another moment, another second - you have a bomb strapped to your chest and forty-five seconds to live. 

how do you tell her all that, without saying anything about it? 

“ _kara, you there?_ ” 

(thirty-five seconds) 

“i’m going to be a little bit late for pizza.” you tell her, hoping your voice doesn't betray you “emergency at work.” 

your voice wavers dangerously. there are tears welling and it isn't the wind drawing them from you. you pray that Alex doesn't notice, but this is Alex. 

“ _emergency? supergirl emergency?_ ” 

“no.” you say, far too quickly to be believable. 

“ _kara, what's going on?_ ” 

“i've got to go.” 

(thirty seconds)

god you don't want your last words to be these. you want to tell Alex everything that's sitting on the tip of your tongue. you’re thinking back through every hug, every kiss to your forehead, every blow she's ever taken for you and you know, you know you have to do this. 

there are people with an advantage, people who will kill her unless you allow yourself to be killed now, here. it isn't public, no, they delivered a box to your apartment, the bomb inside, live video of Alex. they had called you moments later, telling you the choice was simple. put on the vest, fly as far as you can in ninety seconds and die. 

or attend your sisters funeral. 

for you it was never a debate. 

one glance had told you this bomb was real, this bomb would, will, go off. 

(twenty seconds) 

“ _you're scaring me. are you in trouble?_ ” 

yes. yes you are. 

“yes.” your voice breaks, even in this you can not lie to her. you're surrounded by piercing blue ocean and all you want is to feel Alex’s arms around you one last time “there's a bomb, i’ve got to do this. to keep you safe.” you're crying, you're hovering over the ocean knowing this will be the place you die. 

you wonder if there will be any pieces left to bury, to burn. 

“ _what do you mean a bomb? what do you have to do? kara!_ ” 

her heart rate is through the roof. you imagine her hand in a clenched fist. she, looking around like you'll appear in front of her and this will be a joke. you hear the panic in her voice. 

(thirteen seconds) 

you don't have time to explain. to tell her why or where. just 

“know that I love you.” you are sobbing, this is the most you have ever felt. more than your entire life has flashed before you and nothing compares to what you feel in this agonizing moment. 

“ _kara!_ ” Alex is shouting your name, begging you to tell her what's going on. she can help, she promises. 

you will die. she gets to live. you have to tell her that. you do, through broken words. 

(five) 

time seems to slow.

Alex’s voice is ringing in your ears. [i’m safe. i’m safe. kara please.] 

you look up at the sun, you feel it against your skin for the last time. 

(four) 

you hope she can forgive you. 

you hope she can understand. 

you had to do this. they didn't give you any choice. 

your biggest weakness has never been kryptonite. 

[that’s your cousins]

yours has always been Alex. [for better and for worse] 

this is worse.

(three) 

you have come to love this planet, the people. 

but most of all, Alex. 

you are going to die and all you can think about is Alex. 

the first time you met her. the first time you crawled into her bed during a storm. the first time she protected you, fiercely, with all her heart. memories of Alex flood you. you have three seconds left of this life and you know you're dying for the right reason. 

for Alex. 

(two) 

“i love you.” 

you have never meant anything more. 

you hang up. you would listen to her cries only to hear her voice beneath sobs one last time. except, you do not want her to hear you die. 

(one) 

you have one second left and you are hit by a train. 

you are falling. 

falling. flying. they feel one in the same. 

exploding perhaps. surrounded by water, it floods your lungs. you've never been a big swimmer, and this is no exception. 

it's funny, you had expected pain in a coming death. 

it surrounds you, squeezes you. you are dying, you think. you've only died once before. back then it was brief.

what will be your last thoughts, are of Alex. of how much she loved you, of how much you loved her and how you never told Alex that enough. 

(zero) 

you are exploding. 

this is the end and god there is so much pain. 

you are drowning, dying a slow death. 

how you got to this darkness, this depth, you don't know. but the bomb has gone off, you felt it. 

and yet you are still alive. 

how? how? how? 

you think of Alex. 

you have to be dead. you need to be dead. 

you are in the arms of your cousin, gasping fresh air. crying. 

sobbing her name, over and over again because in your living, there must be Alex’s death. 

you can not hear, there is no wind in your ears. there is no words of comfort from your cousin. you are in so much pain. 

your entire world has been shattered and here you are, twisting free of clark’s arms. you will throw yourself into the ocean all over again just to make sure they know you died. 

clark, it seems, will not let you. your body is betraying you, what little of it you can feel anyway. you are back in his arms, falling, flying, sleeping. your body can not keep you awake any longer. you hope this is dying. 

you hope that Alex is alive. you hope that you have not failed her. she, who has protected you for so long. you can only hope that just this once, you have not failed her. 

maybe, finally, you have. you no longer know. you have blacked out. 

\-- 

being alive is a terrible thing. this you know instantly. there is so, so much pain -everywhere. is this grief? the agony of losing your sister. you've got no idea what's happening anymore. 

there's a ringing in your ears. it's driving you wild, but moving your arms to make it stop compounds what pain you already feel. 

you feel touch. light, feather light on your arm. can you open your eyes? you have to think about it, you have to concentrate on remembering the connections from your brain to your eyes. 

it works. you haven't lost everything. yet. 

you open your eyes and god it's bright. too bright really, but you recognize this, recognize this heat. 

that pressure is back in your arm. 

you move your head slowly, look beyond the bright lights and it takes so, so much effort, but there is a shadow there, someone. someone holding on to you with as little force as they can. 

“clark,” you think you ask, but maybe you don't because you can't hear it. 

the ringing is back. 

it's too bright. you're scared, you don't know what's happening. the pressure on your arm hadn't let up, and there's a flickering. the shadow is now haloed by light, and you realize now, you must be dead. 

because Alex is here, hovering over you, tears in her eyes. 

\-- 

the next time you wake up the brightness is still all around you. the ringing is everpresent, as is the pressure on your arm. 

you try to make sense of living and dying and whatever space you are presently in. 

wherever you are, you're crying. tears rolling down your cheeks and you don't even have the strength to lift your hand and wipe them away. is this all you have left for eternity? 

fingers feather light ghost across your cheeks, wiping the tears with a familiar practiced ease. 

\-- 

third time lucky apparently. it's dim, your eyes flicker open and the ringing has evolved to a dull muffle. everything is fuzzy, if grey was a sound, this would be it. 

grey is all you hear. 

there is less pain now, your body complies slowly with what you ask of it. turning your head, seeking out this shadow. 

Alex. 

you see her, still here, her eyes are red and bright, deep, dark circles under her eyes. you can only wonder again, is this life, or death. 

you ask, you think you do, “am i dead?” 

she shakes her head, tears streaming down her face. Alex shakes her head and presses a kiss to your forehead. 

apparently, this is life. 

\-- 

you wake up and each time Alex is by your side. you assume she hasn’t left your room, has barely slept by the ragged look she hides so well. you work slowly, complying with what your body needs - days under the sun lamps. 

the first thing you do, when you have the strength, is find Alex's hand and god, you don't let go. you tuck your fingers against the steady vein of her pulse and cling there. 

it guides you even as you recover in the darkness of your own body. 

\--

your hearing is the last thing to heal. although your body is fragile for the first few days. you feel it, every inch of it inside and out straining to recover as fast as it possibly can. people have questions, you have questions. but Alex lets nothing stress you. insisting, you assume, to wait until your hearing is back. 

no one argues. she doesn't go home, not even when you sleep. she is there when you take your first steps. both her hands intertwined with your own. you wish you could talk to her, that you could hear her. 

but you wait. you have to be patient, it is Alex's voice inside your head that tells you that. 

\-- 

Alex takes you to her apartment. she drives you in her car, holds your shaking hand the whole way. you do not like a world where everything you hear is in shades of grey. 

it has been almost a week since exploding in the deepest depths of the ocean, and your ruptured eardrums are a constant reminder. 

Alex is too, but she is soft. she leads you into her apartment and for the first time since you awoke in the deo, Alex sobs. you saw her cry, saw tears run down her face in the early hours when even the sun may not have saved you, but this is different. 

you are still weak, fragile, she pulls you too her and even though you can not hear, oh how you feel. 

her entire body is shaking and she envelops you. her lips are pressed against your forehead, her tears running into your hair. you don't care. 

you can't care. 

she is alive. you are alive. 

you would have died to save her and instead you have this. 

you feel her arms around you again. 

\-- 

Alex insists on bed. the first night she sets up the sun lamp and refuses to share the king with you. until you wake up with aching vocal cords and Alex's hands running down your arms. 

“i need you.” you say, you think you say. 

either way, she understands. of course she understands. Alex wraps her arms around you and doesn't let go. she pulls you into her chest, lets you sleep there and it feels like days. 

\--

in the last days of your deafness, Alex is almost always touching you. in contact in some small way because you can't hear her heartbeat and it scares you. the silence reminds you of the ocean, of almost dying. 

she lays in bed with you and watches Gilmore Girls, she makes you eat three meals a day and holds your hair out of your face when it comes back up. 

your body is still working things out. 

you catch her crying sometimes, when she thinks you won't notice the way her eyes shine too bright. she holds you when you cry, when you cling to her because you almost lost her. you almost never had this again. she is your big sister, always your big sister. 

\-- 

when you start hearing again, you immediately wish you hadn't. it is so loud, too loud and you clap your hands over your ears. they do little to block the caucophony of noise bombarding you. it makes you shake and whimper, press yourself into the corner and press your knees to your hands to your ears. you make yourself so small. 

it is Alex who guides a pair of headphones onto your head. 

they must be expensive, or deo, because they dull the sounds instantly. all except her voice. it comes through quiet and clear and your feel hot tears in your eyes as you register the first words. 

“kara,” she says “can you hear me?” 

you nod first, then find your words with a hesitant smile “I can hear you.” 

even your own voice sounds foreign to you. 

what you say next spills from your lips before you can stop it. you have to make her understand, you don't want her to be mad at you. that's the last thing you want. 

“i’m sorry.” you apologise, “i had to do it. the box just showed up, they had live feed of you, having coffee, they told me if i didn't put the vest on I would watch you die.” this is so much work for your tired voice and it shakes with the effort, but you keep going, until your voice gives way “i couldn't let you die.” you repeat, you are crying again, Alex pulling you into her arms. 

“i know,” she says, running a hand through your hair, the other pressing you against her “i know you didn't have a choice.” 

Alex pauses for a moment and then she says 

“i’ve never been so scared.” her voice is barely a whisper “i didn't know what was going on, you hung up, suddenly barry was carrying me, three counties over. i tried calling you but-” she presses her lips against your temple “barry said clark was fixing it. some enemy of his using you to hurt him. he didn't know much just what he had been told to do.” 

“to keep you safe.” you mumble, voice hoarse. 

“so clark could save you.” 

you nod against her chest. you still have so many questions, but right now you want to hear her heartbeat. you walk slowly, your body is still finding itself, around the apartment, headphones on, but with Alex talking. 

she fills you in on everyone, on the lie they've told cat to save your job. you learn she has kept everyone out of the apartment, even clark, so you can rest, recover, so you don't feel the pressure to return to supergirl before you're ready. 

she protects you everyday in ways you don't even realize. 

\-- 

you start taking the headphones off at night. national city is quieter, you sit in bed, Alex behind you, rubbing your shoulders gently. you drink tea and sleep and don't talk about nearly dying. 

you have the nightmares, and Alex doesn't shy away. she stops your flailing limbs, wraps them in her own and holds you close. 

she is your sister, not of your world, but the center of your life. you nearly died to save her and you know, you tell her in the second night of hearing, that you would do it again. 

“i would die for you.” you tell her, it doesn't need saying but you want her to hear it “i will never have to think twice.” 

“i know.” Alex replies quietly, speaking across the space in the bed between you. 

\-- 

it is four days before you can take the headphones off during the day and not crumple in agony. this is the day Alex takes you to deo, to debrief, to reacclimate to the world. she drives, lets you pick the music, keeps it on low. 

she stands just in front of you when you enter headquarters, a blockade. you feel people stare, you aren’t in your outfit, you haven't got a new one yet and all the eyes make your shoulders hunch. it's vasquez who speaks first, stepping from her post and holding out her hand. 

“it's good to see you.” she says with an honest smile and a firm grip. 

you duck your head, but the smile is there “thanks.” 

the meeting with j’onn is short, there is no reprimand, just a firm “glad you're safe.” and discussion of your recovery. 

you tell him you're still not one hundred percent, with shaking hands you say it may be a long time before you, or supergirl, is at one hundred percent “but i’ll give my best.” 

“i don't doubt that at all.” he tells you. 

\-- 

supergirl starts small, back to the basics. you are relearning your body after having it torn apart, and alleyway robberies start off as a challenge. work is even harder, cat, thrilled to see you haven't died of the plague, is relentless. yet something tells you she knows more than she's putting on because you're home by six every night. 

you're still staying with Alex. for the nightmares, for the comfort, for the fact that almost two weeks of deafness has instilled the urge to hear her heartbeat as often as you can. 

on the good nights, you sleep on the couch. 

on the bad you find your way to her bed, sheets open and waiting for you. 

\-- 

Alex challenges you to push-ups during commercial breaks on tv night, she keeps pace for a while, it pushes you, makes you sweat, and it's the beginning of your training. you, supergirl, you spar, you fly, you practice heat vision and x-ray eyes and bit by bit you find yourself again. 

you take on bigger and badder and Alex is always in your ear. she is always the first one you check on, the first one to check in. 

the bomb changed you, changed you good, changed you forever. you know that now, so does Alex. 

\-- 

it is six months to the day before you feel strong enough to fly with Alex. she asks where you're going and when you ask her to trust, you she nods. 

you take her to the ocean, to the place where the water stole your hearing and the sun almost couldn't save you. you hang there, needing her to see this place. needing to be the one to bring her here. 

“it's beautiful.” she says, soaking up the stars and the quiet and the flat expanse of ocean. 

“i know.” you tell her, it is a place you almost died, but now it is a place you share with her too. 

\--

[clark apologises for almost getting you killed, Alex killed] 

[you thank him for saving you.]

[you remind him, love bonds you all] 

on this planet, love is all you have, and Alex.

**Author's Note:**

> this is piece is a favourite of mine, as is this relationship between the Danvers sisters. hit me up on tumblr under onefootone to chat more about the show, or general supergirl feels.
> 
> there may be a second piece, telling Alex's side of the story. I make no promises, but it is a possibility.


End file.
